In November I blogged about the fight to hold on. Well, those words ring so true for me right now. To be frank, I feel awful about my Christian walk at this moment. My inconsistency irritates me to no end. I feel as if I am walking in a desert and seeing water from a distance. I walk closer only to discover it is a mirage.
I can see the communion with Jesus and the solid peace one gets in his presence (because I have experienced it myself time and time again). I know that to have this the heart and spirit must be in sync with him. But I am void of the passion it takes to firmly hold on tight. I want it but I feel as if I am lacking the will to be firmly locked in his care. It sounds confusing because in most cases it is simple. If you want it just go after it, or just do it. But for me, the will in spiritual matters is complex. I have allowed different things to pull me away so my passion for things spiritual has waned. I have breached my connection to God and that was not my intention.
While blogging this entry, I already see an answer; which is to pray. I can do NOTHING without him. Not even become closer to him. I was born in sin and shaped in iniquity. Even though I know this, it still feels awful to fall away from Jesus when I know the truth. But I am trusting God that he will restore the breach that I have placed on our connection. Thank you God for loving me in spite of myself.