As I look back over my life thus far, I realize I am truly blessed. I know there are some days that are darker than others but overall I treasure the fact that I’m covered by the blood of Jesus Christ. However, I was born with a sin nature, so I’ll naturally do some things that are contrary to my faith. But as foolish as I can be sometimes, he still looks after me. If I am lost, he finds me. If I act unseemingly, he tugs at my heart. For everything bad I do, he’s always there to counter it with something good.
I am not saying that to say that I can live my life with no regard; but God grants us grace and mercy for such times. I thank him for it because he doesn’t owe me anything. He gives it to me because he’s God. I want to walk in his will because it’s the safest place to be. The power of prayer can make that happen. I do trust that the work that he has begun in me will be made manifest.
God never ceases to amaze me. Prior to my last post, I felt well…. blah. I was in the throws of complacency and irritable over being inconsistent in my Christian walk. Almost immediately after I posted it, this feeling of renewal started to erupt inside of me.
It is as if God said ” I was just waiting on you to come forth so I could give you what you’ve been longing for.” I have heard it said that if we make one step he’ll make two. Words won’t do justice to how remarkable I feel right now. So I’ll just bask in His glow. Yes I’ve fallen and I will fall again and again. But I will get up and walk closer to him one step at a time.
In November I blogged about the fight to hold on. Well, those words ring so true for me right now. To be frank, I feel awful about my Christian walk at this moment. My inconsistency irritates me to no end. I feel as if I am walking in a desert and seeing water from a distance. I walk closer only to discover it is a mirage.
I can see the communion with Jesus and the solid peace one gets in his presence (because I have experienced it myself time and time again). I know that to have this the heart and spirit must be in sync with him. But I am void of the passion it takes to firmly hold on tight. I want it but I feel as if I am lacking the will to be firmly locked in his care. It sounds confusing because in most cases it is simple. If you want it just go after it, or just do it. But for me, the will in spiritual matters is complex. I have allowed different things to pull me away so my passion for things spiritual has waned. I have breached my connection to God and that was not my intention.
While blogging this entry, I already see an answer; which is to pray. I can do NOTHING without him. Not even become closer to him. I was born in sin and shaped in iniquity. Even though I know this, it still feels awful to fall away from Jesus when I know the truth. But I am trusting God that he will restore the breach that I have placed on our connection. Thank you God for loving me in spite of myself.